Two ways to make hard conversations that are about you easier

When I talked about how you should start hard conversations with altruism, I said this works even when you’re the topic of conversation. 

Sometimes you need to have a hard conversation whose goal is to benefit you. Here are some examples from my own career:

• Telling my boss that I needed him to treat with me respect in meetings
• Talking to my boss about a promotion
• Clarifying my contributions on something I hadn’t gotten credit for 
• Talking to my boss about a raise
• Pitching myself for a big new role

Did you get tense just reading that list? Here are two ways to help you approach conversations like these with more ease and confidence. 

First, ground yourself in altruism

In my post on altruism I wrote:  “So to settle on an altruistic goal, if your ego works like mine, you have to sort through the signals it’s sending you. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself about your motives and not let ones that are based in greed, fear, anger, or other negative emotions have a say. Keep the self-interested goals that do align with your values. This is why you can have hard conversations that are inherently about you, like say, asking for a raise, with integrity.”

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. When you are getting what you need to do your best work, you honestly do improve the situation for those around you as well. When you’re able to contribute at the right level, and when your career needs are taken care of, you’re going to do your best work for the organization. If you’re asking for a hot new project or a promotion, you’re offering to apply your skills and energy to have bigger impact. Conversely, being under-titled can hamper your impact because it can reduce your reach. 

Having your contributions recognized isn’t selfish. Consider a project you worked on where your coworker got most of the credit but you did half or more of the work. If your boss isn’t aware of your contributions they’re not going to make the best use of your talents. They might assign work to your coworker that you’d be better at. Your boss is better off having an accurate view. 

So what about money? How could asking for more money possibly be altruistic? Well, because it is in the best interests of the company you work for to pay you what you’re worth. If they don’t, then at some point a recruiter is going to approach you about a job and throw out a figure that shocks you. Or a coworker will reveal how much more they make for doing the same job. When that happens you will be mad at your employer for underpaying you and a lot more likely to leave. It’s in the best interest of your company to pay you fairly so that you continue to cheerfully kick ass for them rather than leaving. Now, yes, some management teams are short-sighted and don’t work this way. But any manager from half-way decent on up will acknowledge this. 

So, you may not know going in to the conversation what reaction you’ll get or constraints that others are dealing with. Which leads to tip two: 

Second, approach the conversation as a conversation

In my list above I didn’t say I was “telling my boss I need a promotion.” I said I was “talking to my boss about a promotion.”

When you come into the conversation grounded in altruism, you have an open mind. You have a goal but you are also ready to learn and change. Consider the difference between “I deserve a promotion to Senior Product Manager and this is why” and “I’d like to talk about how to get promoted to Senior Product Manager. Here’s what I think the criteria are and here’s why I think I’ve met them, so I wanted to start the conversation with you and understand how you look at it.”

Managers are people too, and starting with a demand can put people on the defensive, even if only subconsciously. Starting with curiosity allows room for you to discover something. Maybe there’s a big criteria for promotion you weren’t aware of, and you leave this conversation knowing you need a new skill. Maybe you need to have certain experience before you get promoted so the discussion turns into how to adapt your current assignment to get this experience. You’ve moved yourself closer to your goal and perhaps even recruited your manager as your ally in reaching it. 

Yes, you can talk about raises in the same way. Here’s an example: “From what I understand the market pay for my role is $X more than I currently make. I’d like talk about how we can get my salary up to market.” Assume positive intent and approach this as a collaboration. You may not realize the constraints your boss is working with, but they’re a lot more likely to open up if you go in assuming they want to help you. 

All of the above also applies to peer-to-peer conversations. Maybe the person you need to treat you better isn’t your boss but a peer. They don’t benefit from having you pissed off at them all the time, so go tackle that with altruism!

Your Dot Release: Think of something you want to ask for to benefit your career or working environment. Identify the benefit of your goal to those around you. Live with that until you’re confident it’s based on the healthy side of your ego and saying it out loud doesn’t feel weird anymore. Does that hard conversation seem less scary now? 

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