Four Tips for Hard Conversations When You've Got Higher Status
Today I’m wrapping up a three part mini-series that looks at how you can improve hard conversations by understanding the hierarchical difference between you and the person you’re talking with. I’ve already talked about hard conversions with peers, and hard conversations with people in power. So logic suggests that today we talk about people who work for you, or who look up to you. I still remember when I was a senior engineer in my early thirties, coming home and saying to my husband, “Um, when exactly did other engineers stat seeing me a mentor?” If you’re an experienced or high placed individual contributor, many people are going to see you as someone with authority, so you don’t need to be in management to find some helpful tips here.
1. Don’t underestimate the power of your words
When I was software architect, my fellow architect and I once presented a case to our vice president for some changes we wanted to make that the infrastructure team opposed. We needed her help to get the changes through. After we’d briefed our VP, she set up a meeting with us and some senior folks from the infrastructure team, who weren’t in her department. I honestly can’t remember what the technical issue was, all these years later. Here’s what I do remember vividly. After we’d presented our differing points of view, my boss said that the infrastructure team had a valid point. My colleague and I were stunned. We left the meeting and went for a long angry walk. How could our boss betray us like that? We’d made such a good case, we’d prebriefed her, and she was a boss we both respected tremendously. We got up our nerve and went back to see her. “How could you back the other plan?” we asked. “We thought we’d made our case and you knew why we needed to do things this way.”
She was confused. “I didn’t back the other plan," she said. “I was just showing I was listening and understood their point of view.” “No!” we said. “They think they can do things their way and don’t have to help us.” She looked at us, still baffled. “But it was just a discussion,” she said “No,” we replied. “You’re a VP and when you say something is a good idea, that sounds like a decision. We thought you’d picked their solution over ours. And based on our hallway conversation after the meeting, so did they.” That was the moment my boss realized the unintended authority her words carried. She was a naturally humble person so she wasn’t thrilled about it, but she got it.
Here’s my point. When our boss seemed to side with the other team, Nelson and I didn’t engage and push back, we thought the decision was made. My boss thought she was part of a discussion. She learned she had to be very clear when she wanted debate, which she usually did. I learned that from her. When I want people to push back or debate a thorny topic, I’m very explicit about it and slow to show any opinions I might have.
If you want to have an actual hard conversation with someone who looks up to you, or over whom you have power, set the stage for that first thing. One way to do this is to use hypotheticals or the third person person to avoid seeming like you have hard position. For example, you could say, “I’ve heard people say that this other solution is cheaper than your proposal. What’s your take on that?” Or “If we were to choose this path, what would be the downsides?” If you can keep arm’s length from the topic you’re going to make it easier for the other person to disagree with you.
Jade Rubick has written a great post I send people to a lot, called “Everyone lies to leaders.” Go read that for great advice on how to bridge the power gap in general, not just in hard conversations.
2. Don’t soften a hard message
Conversely, if you do have a definite point of view, or a decision, you need to be really clear. Nope, more clear than that. You need to be so clear you’re embarrassed to spell it out with such clarity. Because as much as people can overanalyze management minutia, they can also misread a decision that is soft pedaled. For example if you say “I find it’s less effective when you yell in meetings” the other person might take that as advice about how to be more effective and decide to only yell in certain circumstances. If what you really mean is “Don’t yell in meetings ever again” you need to say that.
If something is a hard and fast need, spell it out. “We’d like to get this fixed in two weeks” is a very different message than “if this isn’t fixed in two weeks our largest customer is going to cancel.” Now, I’d add to that last one, “I don’t know if that’s possible, so let’s see what our options are.” That second sentence is to keep the dialog going. If you just say “we have to fix this in two weeks or heads will roll” there’s a good chance that people will just tell you that they’ll fix it in two weeks even if they think it’s impossible.
3. If you’re not the person’s manager, check with their manager first
When you’re not the person’s manager, but are a peer to their manager, or are hierarchically higher than the boss, you should probably check in with the person’s direct manager before having a hard conversation. You should definitely check in if the conversation is performance feedback. You need to be sure you and the manager have the same performance expectations. It’s going to be awkward if you ask someone if they can speed up when their boss has asked them to slow down and make fewer mistakes.
4. Not all Individual Contributors are Peers
It’s easy to think all individual contributors occupy the same level in a hierarchy. I mentioned that aha moment when I realized junior engineers looked up to me. But there’s another thing to watch out for, and that is assuming you and the other person are fairly matched.
Years ago I was the product manager for my company’s flagship product, a position with no management responsilities, but one that was still considered senior, like an architect in engineering. I was helping another PM with the launch of a new product and took on working with marketing on the product collateral. The first version of the copy we got for the brochure didn’t work for me. Since I value direct conversations, I went to talk to the copywriter who’d created the marketing copy. In my mind, we were both individual contributors, so I approached her like a peer and respectfully shared what I saw were the misses, and what I’d like to see in the next version. The next thing I knew, I was in a meeting with her and her boss. I hadn’t realized that she was far less experienced in her field than I was in mine. My feedback overwhelmed her and she asked her boss for help. Her boss had the experience and seniority to work with me and then translate that into things she could execute. We ended up with great collateral and I learned a lesson.
If you’re much more experienced than the person you’re having a conversation with, even if organizationally they’re a peer, act the same way you would as a manager talking to someone on another team. You could say to their boss something like “I need to talk to your team about the marketing copy. I don’t think the copy is clear on the differentiating features, and I’d like to have it talk more about customer benefits. Should I talk with the copywriter directly or do you want to be involved?”
Your Dot Release: Sometimes hard conversations come up in the middle of day-to-day collaboration. Identify three people you collaborate with who who have less status than you. You might be a new engineer, but maybe there are interns, or even newer engineers that you work with often. Maybe you’re head of product but work a lot with individual product marketing managers who are a few layers down from the CMO. The next time routine collaboration with one of these folks turns into a hard-core disagreement, performance concern, or other spicy topic, take a pause and remember the weight your words carry. Do you need to pause and check in with their manager? Do you want to temper your words to be sure you don’t shut down feedback? Remember that this particular playing field is tilted your way and proceed accordingly.
Release Notes: When I planned this newsletter I thought about how how I could add differentiated value to my readers. The big dog in product management leadership newsletters and podcasts is Lenny’s Newsletter. While I loved Lenny’s, each conversation with a leader covers a wide range of topics and it could be hard to find a specific topic. My newsletter would just cover one topic per article, and focus on bite size, actionable advice. Guess what? Lenny is trying out a new format where he does a deep dive on a specific feature. I listened to the one on the Duolingo streak feature and it’s great. If you’re a product person and have been overwhelmed by Lenny’s in the past, I highly recommend you check it out.
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